Just a little piece of space.

This is my life, these are my loves, and this is my dream...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Where Are My Cherries?

I am struggling today.  I'm struggling with a torrent of thoughts running around inside my head, and trying to sort through them logically.  Not that I want to be logical, necessarily.  I find it highly over-rated and well, it's not me really.  I am one of the least logical people I know.  Logic and me, we're a world apart.  I don't get it, or get people who are, they are not 'my people'.   More inclined to be ruled by my emotions, heart, and instincts.  I am what my Grandmother used to describe me as, 'a hothouse flower'.  I blossom when I'm watered and tendered to with loving care, but put me outside to brave the elements and the unpredictability of life, and I might just wither away. 
I know the peaks and troughs of life, make me stronger ultimately, that they are what have made me that person that I am, but I do wish I felt as though I was on a peak rather then a trough right now.

Blogging when I'm down is very much against my nature, it totally goes against the grain, which is why I'm doing it.  I have a need to keep it real, to be honest with myself and to try to keep the doors open.  Doors that I so often close, doors that keep the world out and me safe and sound inside.  Ultimately I will always be a private person, (this makes me laugh when I so often blog to one and all), but really its true.  I find it very difficult to let people in.  It's almost like exposing my insides.  It's scary, it's painful and it sends me into a pure blind panic.  So today, here and now, I'm pushing my boundaries, experiencing the uncomfortable, the taboo, because life is a challenge - right?  If we don't push ourselves to our limits, then who will? 

I won't go into the whys or wherefores, because the details don't matter.   I can tell you that today, I'm struggling.  The clear blue sea that I love so much, seems misty and dull, the sky feels overcast, and I feel cold.  I have a hundred and one rambling thoughts bubbling away just under the surface, and I'm trying very hard to rationally deal with them all, in the most logical way that I can.  

Today for the first time ever, I picked up my camera, and then put it down again.  Not even my love for capturing the beauty in something lifted me.  Not for a flicker of a second.  I know that tomorrow I'll probably be fine.  I might have answered some of my questions by then. I might have hugged my children. I might have had some well needed sleep.  I might have felt someone elses pain, and I might have managed to unload my heavy heart just a little bit. 

But, I can't post this with no pictures, and I do want to end it with something beautiful, so I will.  Here are some pictures of some very special people, who I know I am blessed to know.  They are not new pictures, they are not todays, but I have had fun with some new effects that I have enjoyed playing with.  I hope you like them, and I hope you forgive me my 'Eeyore moment'.  My next blog will be a happy one, I promise you that!

These effects are simply called 'seventies'.

And this one is 'colorized'

Seriously, I know you probably won't believe it...but I'm feeling better already! :)  I'm just looking forward to another bowl of cherries.

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