Not Perfect.

One thing I do know about raising teens, is that it's not easy.  It's harder mentally then I could have imagined.  I have memories of my Mother saying to me...just wait, wait until you have to do this...and it sounded totally ridiculous to me.  What on earth was she talking about?  I thought she was making a mountain out of a molehill.  She didn't say it to me often though, and looking back I can now see what a brilliant Mother she really was.  Considering the attitude and teenage drama that went along with my life, she coped with it all pretty seamlessly - her feathers very rarely getting ruffled.  It's now though that I can completely appreciate all that she was and it's now that I understand the wonderful gift that she gave me.  It's not something that you can give easily, and it's not something that comes second nature to a Mother, because we want to hold onto our babies so very tightly, but eventually we must loosen the hold.  My Mother gave me the freedom to be who I was, who I am, and who I will be.  She taught and guided me through my young life, until she felt the inevitable pull.  And then she let go...

I am struggling to let go.  I am still learning and I feel very young  - not worldly wise as I would have hoped.  As I imagined I would all those years ago. I feel as though I'm fumbling in the dark, and I worry that my children can see through the poised exterior.  That they sense me wavering at every turn or second guessing myself.  Every decision is agonised over, every scenario run through in my head a million times.  Did I do the right thing?  Is this best for my child?  What would you do?  What would my Mother do?  Then, each child has a different personality, a different take on life, added equations to the mix.  I worry that one day my children will tell me that I let them down, if only I'd been different, if only I had listened more, spent more time with them, been a better Mother.  I don't know if I want to see into the future and know if it all turns out OK in the end or not.  But I do try.  I try my best each day.  Whether my best is good enough or not yet, well we'll see..     

My son is almost 18.  An adult in his eyes, but not in mine.  I have loosened the hold so so much over the last year especially and I'm really just reaching out now, holding out my hand to him, so that he knows it's still there, so that he knows he can reach out and grab it whenever he needs it, but not so that I'm holding him back.  It's not easy.  One day I was holding onto this blond baby boy with a great big letterbox grin and eyes that would never leave my face for a second, and before I realise how or why, he's almost grown..  One day he'll see, just wait...he'll see what I mean. 

I want to be perfect, I want my kids to think I'm the perfect Mother and the hardest part of it all, is learning to accept that there is no such thing.  We are all capable of nothing more then our best.  I can't be that picture perfect image, with exactly the right thing to say at every given moment, the perfect house, the perfect clothes, the perfect smile.  But I can be true and honest and real.  I can be me and hope it's good enough, hope that my kids see that even if I'm not exactly what they want, I am doing my best.  I'm not perfect and it's OK, I think!

I am lucky in more ways that I can express.  I have such good kids, such sweet little people who I have made and who are growing up so fast.  Yes, they are infuriating.  Yes, they squabble. Yes, they can be irritating, annoying and self-centred at times...but, weren't we all.  They are good good little souls and even when I'm throwing up my arms in frustration, I see the good in them, shining through.  Always.  I LOVE my teens!  

Tara and Pops

Today is full of fun.  Poppys lovely bestie, Tara, is spending the whole day with us today and the girls are making the most of it.  They have already had the drawing out, playdough, dress up and watched a barbie movie together - how fun to be that small again...

pioneer Crescent Park Fun!

Our family photoshoot.  I had planned it all week, I'd briefed the kids, David, on the time I wanted to do it (ideally around 4.30pm) this Saturday.  I knew all the children would be here, nobody was going to be at work, playdates, sleepovers...and it was on!! However, as often happens when we plan things, in reality it was a little harder to achieve.  Eventually...we made it, and were miraculously at the park at the planned time.  It was all kind of rushed, light and appointments were looming, but we did get some sort of ok pictures and most amazing of all, and the reason for the shoot - I got all the kids together at the same time..

 

Little Angel in the Garden

With the sun behind her golden curls creating a baby sized halo, and her pure white dress, Lucy looked like a little angel drunkenly staggering around the slopes of our garden today.  Snatched moments of perfection and beauty - I'm so lucky to be able to capture it now and then.

Look, Lucy does have a Mama!

So, it turns out that it's much harder getting a decent picture of me and Lucy, while holding my big ole camera, trying to hold still and without the help of anyone else...these are as good as we can get on the hall mirror! With photography being only my thing though, will I ever get any decent pics of Mama and Lucy I wonder! I can snap away with my iPhone and turn out some semi-ok stuff, but I really want a decent one of us both.

Lucys 1st Birthday

I'm late posting this, it was such a bittersweet day the day that our last little baby turned one.  I don't remember ever being so emotional about a date before, but my head was all over the place as I tried to savour each tiny second.   We ended up having two celebrations.  A few presents and a little tea to mark the day on Thursday 8th April, and then a party in the park on Sat 10th with all of us and a few good friends.  Apart from 'new toys' to play with, which was met with a lot of 'dooer' and 'dats' (not really sure what this means, but it's what she says when she points to items), I don't think Lucy was aware of anything much, other then lots of extra cuddles and kisses and attention.  Which is exactly as it should be.  The party was sweet.  A castle piñata, cupcakes with sprinkles, and a beautiful hot sunny day made it fun for all who came to celebrate and when the day was over, there were a lot of very tired little heads on pillows.  

Wearing the sweet Strawberry outfit from Auntie Katie!