When you have to stop and wonder if you're able, or if you have the ability to change things that we have no control over, if there is some way in which you can physically put an end what seems like months of a long chain of bad luck, it makes you feel small. Small and powerless, that's how I feel. And sad that I can't seem to physically make things right for this family that I love. Sad that my Husband feels that he shouldn't get out of bed in the morning, for if he does, something else will surely break, go wrong, or put us on a whole other level of difficulty. He feels responsible for all of it, and there isn't a thing I can do to alleviate his guilt.
We all have our struggles, memories of times in our lives that we look back on and sigh a big sigh of relief that we're not still there, in that place that dragged us down and made us feel as though we were trying to run through quick-sand. I'm pretty sure that I'm in one of those times and I'm hoping that one day this will all be just a memory, that I'll look back and feel grateful to have come out of the other side of it, feel happy in the knowledge that my little family pulled through.
But why are the challenging and hard sometimes so unbalanced? Why must we go through chunks of time when the yin is faded to almost nothing and the yang is 'rockin it out' like the diva that it can be? Honesty, I have no answer, all I know is that at some point, and at certain times, that wonderful thing called good old fashioned luck gets sucked right out of the equation, and all you are left with is one giant upward struggle. That small insignificant thing that began the whole chain of unfortunate events has snowballed into what looks like a mountain and it's coming avalanche-ing towards you.
We still manage to find our Yin. Fragments of it invade our days, shining through the dark and leaving us with moments like this..
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