Feeling the Pinch

David left for Madrid on Friday morning and made his merry way over there, via Singapore and London.  You would think that after  almost 13yrs of life together, I would be used to this by now, and not let it affect me too much.  I am on my own for a while, and I'm feeling the pinch, both financially and emotionally!

Well, I am used to the fact that he disappears now and then, flits in and out of our lives and earns a good crust, relatively!   But, really I know I'll never 'get used' to feeling sad when he starts counting down the week before he goes, shops for the extra items he needs when we separate (toothpaste, etc) and puts his cases on our big bed as he organizes what he needs to take and then packs them!  Then he's taking the kids aside, one by one, having 'little chats' with them when he thinks I can't hear.  Reminding them to be good, asking for their help while he's away so that I'm not stressed.  He sits with the babies for a few minutes longer then usual, telling him he loves them, trying to reassure them that it will be ok, that he'll be back, and they don't need to worry.  He makes light of it, but I can see from Poppy's face, big round saucer eyes, and trembling bottom lip, that she knows exactly what is coming.  
Then he's at the door, I smile and make some sort of joke, it's fine, it's all fine.  He knows I'll be ok, as usual, but as he walks away from me towards the car, I already feel emptier.  My best friend is leaving and I won't see him for a month.  I won't have the support that I find so vital in a large house with 7 children of all ages, and I won't see his tired face walk in at the end of the day, after missing lunch, coffee breaks because he hasn't had one second to himself...

The first few days are ok and in some ways it's nice to be able to run the house exactly as I like it, not have anybody else to answer to and just be 'still' in my own space.  It doesn't take long before I've had enough of my own space, and I'm wishing he were home, wishing I was picking up his dirty clothes from the floor where he leaves them, wishing I was holding my hand over his mouth so that I don't have to hear his dreadful singing, wishing that he was sitting beside me watching a movie and interrupting it ever few seconds with his irritating running commentary, wishing I wasn't doing this alone again....Oh well! 

My 'to do' checklist for the weekend has almost been completed, and with the help of a very special little lady, I have been able to keep organized.  My sweet Gabs goes a long way towards helping me stay sane, and I feel lucky everyday, for the help that she gives me. Something almost ethereal and unrealistic about this darling child, you'll know what I mean, if you've ever met her.

Yesterday the smaller kids and I hung out at the park, until it grew dark.  So nice to just watch them play with no cares, no worries, and to take their mind off the fact that their Daddy won't be walking in through the door tonight...

So as my first weekend without David comes to an end, I can feel relieved that we survived it without any major dramas.  I can keep feeling the pinch, and I will - but it will just hum away in the background, where I will keep it, until he comes home! 

Not Perfect.

One thing I do know about raising teens, is that it's not easy.  It's harder mentally then I could have imagined.  I have memories of my Mother saying to me...just wait, wait until you have to do this...and it sounded totally ridiculous to me.  What on earth was she talking about?  I thought she was making a mountain out of a molehill.  She didn't say it to me often though, and looking back I can now see what a brilliant Mother she really was.  Considering the attitude and teenage drama that went along with my life, she coped with it all pretty seamlessly - her feathers very rarely getting ruffled.  It's now though that I can completely appreciate all that she was and it's now that I understand the wonderful gift that she gave me.  It's not something that you can give easily, and it's not something that comes second nature to a Mother, because we want to hold onto our babies so very tightly, but eventually we must loosen the hold.  My Mother gave me the freedom to be who I was, who I am, and who I will be.  She taught and guided me through my young life, until she felt the inevitable pull.  And then she let go...

I am struggling to let go.  I am still learning and I feel very young  - not worldly wise as I would have hoped.  As I imagined I would all those years ago. I feel as though I'm fumbling in the dark, and I worry that my children can see through the poised exterior.  That they sense me wavering at every turn or second guessing myself.  Every decision is agonised over, every scenario run through in my head a million times.  Did I do the right thing?  Is this best for my child?  What would you do?  What would my Mother do?  Then, each child has a different personality, a different take on life, added equations to the mix.  I worry that one day my children will tell me that I let them down, if only I'd been different, if only I had listened more, spent more time with them, been a better Mother.  I don't know if I want to see into the future and know if it all turns out OK in the end or not.  But I do try.  I try my best each day.  Whether my best is good enough or not yet, well we'll see..     

My son is almost 18.  An adult in his eyes, but not in mine.  I have loosened the hold so so much over the last year especially and I'm really just reaching out now, holding out my hand to him, so that he knows it's still there, so that he knows he can reach out and grab it whenever he needs it, but not so that I'm holding him back.  It's not easy.  One day I was holding onto this blond baby boy with a great big letterbox grin and eyes that would never leave my face for a second, and before I realise how or why, he's almost grown..  One day he'll see, just wait...he'll see what I mean. 

I want to be perfect, I want my kids to think I'm the perfect Mother and the hardest part of it all, is learning to accept that there is no such thing.  We are all capable of nothing more then our best.  I can't be that picture perfect image, with exactly the right thing to say at every given moment, the perfect house, the perfect clothes, the perfect smile.  But I can be true and honest and real.  I can be me and hope it's good enough, hope that my kids see that even if I'm not exactly what they want, I am doing my best.  I'm not perfect and it's OK, I think!

I am lucky in more ways that I can express.  I have such good kids, such sweet little people who I have made and who are growing up so fast.  Yes, they are infuriating.  Yes, they squabble. Yes, they can be irritating, annoying and self-centred at times...but, weren't we all.  They are good good little souls and even when I'm throwing up my arms in frustration, I see the good in them, shining through.  Always.  I LOVE my teens!  

Tara and Pops

Today is full of fun.  Poppys lovely bestie, Tara, is spending the whole day with us today and the girls are making the most of it.  They have already had the drawing out, playdough, dress up and watched a barbie movie together - how fun to be that small again...

pioneer Crescent Park Fun!

Our family photoshoot.  I had planned it all week, I'd briefed the kids, David, on the time I wanted to do it (ideally around 4.30pm) this Saturday.  I knew all the children would be here, nobody was going to be at work, playdates, sleepovers...and it was on!! However, as often happens when we plan things, in reality it was a little harder to achieve.  Eventually...we made it, and were miraculously at the park at the planned time.  It was all kind of rushed, light and appointments were looming, but we did get some sort of ok pictures and most amazing of all, and the reason for the shoot - I got all the kids together at the same time..

 

Little Angel in the Garden

With the sun behind her golden curls creating a baby sized halo, and her pure white dress, Lucy looked like a little angel drunkenly staggering around the slopes of our garden today.  Snatched moments of perfection and beauty - I'm so lucky to be able to capture it now and then.

Look, Lucy does have a Mama!

So, it turns out that it's much harder getting a decent picture of me and Lucy, while holding my big ole camera, trying to hold still and without the help of anyone else...these are as good as we can get on the hall mirror! With photography being only my thing though, will I ever get any decent pics of Mama and Lucy I wonder! I can snap away with my iPhone and turn out some semi-ok stuff, but I really want a decent one of us both.